I have come across this question many times in the last few months. How do you find love? Where do you find love? What do you do if you are reaching 30 and have still not met your soul mate? I have been requested a couple of times to share my thoughts on these but I had put it off because till now I believe there are no answers to such questions. After much thinking I realized, yes, perhaps there are no right answers to it but there are definitely lessons that one can put to use. These lessons I present to you today with much sincerity, lessons that I learnt over the years of singlehood and during relationships.
Lesson 1: No one dies single.Almost.
If you have crossed 27, are still single and if hearing who is getting married next makes you nervous, relax. This worry will definitely not find you someone but it will definitely bring your esteem down and lead to hair fall. Yes, it is tough to know that at a time your friends are settling down, you haven’t found someone who you could even consider dating. You start thinking of timelines- at what age will I meet someone? How long will I have to date them to know if they are the one? If not, will I be wasting time? And these questions will only make you feel that you don’t have enough time, leaving you nothing, but stressed. First of all, stop giving yourself timelines. The world does not work accordingly to your rulebook. There is no age to find someone. When it has to happen, it will. Each one of us needs to know that most people don’t die single. Each love and each relationship has a time. As much as this may sound straight from a rom-com movie, it is true. So relax and wait for your turn.
Lesson 2: Love will never be found if you look too much for it
Looking too much will make you obsessed with finding someone and that may blur your present. You might tend to forget how to enjoy yourself and in the process miss meeting someone fun. Cliché but true, love yourself first before you start even looking.
Lesson 3: Having said lesson 2, be consciously aware you are single and be open to making friends
It is however; good to remember you are single. That will make you more open to meeting new people. Often, I see people crib about not finding the right person but when I look closely at them, I realize they hardly make any effort. They close themselves in a shell or brag they are happy with their status but inside feel depressed about it. Accept your state graciously. Only if you accept yourself will someone be able to accept you
Lesson 4: Do not look for anyone for at least 6 months after a breakup
Rebounds hardly ever work. Give yourself 6 months to one-year time at least before you jump into a relationship. Living 6 months by yourself will give you time to move on and take decision rationally rather than emotionally and out of loneliness.
Lesson 5: Think beyond clubs. Attend more house parties, corporate events or join a common interest hobby group like dancing or even the gym.
Clubs are the best place to flirt and hook up. Just because you meet a lot of people at clubs, that does not equate to you finding a life partner there. Statistics have proved, hardly 2% of relationships that are made in a clubs last. You can’t even see a person properly in the light there forget judging them. The best places meant to meet people you can date are at house parties, brunch, corporate events or work gatherings. People are more sane and know what they are looking for. Common hobbies like joining a sports club; gym or art groups have also proven to be a great method to meet people.
Lesson 6: Go back to studying
Schools are the best place to find a potential partner. Join a course or go back to doing your masters. Most likely you will find someone there you can connect with.
Lesson 7: Be open to family introductions
Often we shy away when our family or relative introduces us to someone. However umpteen cases have shown high success rates of meeting potential partners through this medium. This thought might seem ridiculous to youngsters today but there is no harm being open to it. Sometimes people who love us know what is best for us better than we do.
Lesson 8: If you have a checklist, chances are you might meet an asshole. Chuck the checklist
It is a very natural thing to have a mental checklist for what you are looking for but in that process you might just overlook a nice guy or girl. Be flexible. It is very important to be open minded in your options when you are single because honestly that is the only option you have. Sometimes what you might not like may be exactly what you need in the long term. Limiting your options might restrict you to see that. Often if you find most people “not good enough” chances are that you are going by a checklist or pre-judging without knowing. Stop that.
Lesson 9: Love is not blind. It needs to see
It is easy to hookup and assume that you are totally interested in that person. Singlehood leads us to chain where we go on a spree of dating people, some that we may not even like but assume we are attracted to. Just because you are sleeping with someone does not mean you should date them or they will date you. A relationship needs more than sex. It is ok to date, but if you are one of those who is constantly wondering why none of your hookups is working out for a step further it is most likely because either you are just hooking up for the sake of it or they are. Step back and take a check on your expectations. If it is just a hookup don’t expect more. If not don’t sleep with everyone. It will just lead to guilt and depression. If your hookup goes beyond few dates, having a frank conversation on where it is going with the person involved will give you more light. Just don’t sound too desperate when you have that conversation.
Lesson 10: Give people a chance.Maybe your best friend is your soulmate.
This is to most women and some men too. There is a tendency to overlook people if they don’t look good or meet your criteria. If you enjoy talking to someone and feel comfortable around them do not dismiss them with excuses like there is no chemistry .I agree that it is important to have romantic feelings for someone but to have a healthy relationship you need more than that. If the person is sincere and nice, even if you might not feel it in the first two meetings, give yourself a chance to know them. You might just be surprised to what you feel for them after a point. However even after say 5 meetings, you do not enjoy the company,waste no time, move on.
Often we overlook friends or best friends who care for us a lot.Sometimes love is hidden in that care.Sometimes they are trying to signal to you that they want to be more than friends but your need to search elsewhere makes you blind to those signs.Look around.Sometimes who you are looking for might be just next to you.
If there is one thing I have learnt in life ,that is to never say never. The second being, never put yourself down just because you are not finding the right person or someone has rejected you. Eventually everything will lead you to the right person. It is just about being patient. Easier said than done. Agreed, but try it.
Author ~ Follow me now on twitter : @thecrispycorner