My girlfriend doesn’t trust me in our long distance relationship

“Dear Crispy,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now but recently got into a long distance relationship as I had to move abroad to study further.We love each other a lot and promised to make it work.But it seems from her behaviour that she does not trust me.She doesn’t like me going out with my friends,stalks me on Facebook and asks for an explanation over every picture, expects me to talk to her all the time and now even wants my password.I do love her a lot but with her suspecting me all the time and fighting over every time I go out with my friends, I am unable to have a life here. Every time I make friends with a girl on Facebook, she asks me tons of questions.How do I form a social circle and make her trust me.I don’t want to lose this relationship but it is getting tough.”

Ben,29

Hi Ben,

This is definitely a critical stage in your life and it is very important that you know how you handle it if you want to make your relationship last.I am sure you love your girlfriend a lot and it looks like she does to, hence her insecurities are taking form in many ways.There are few things you need to know.

First of all ,are you doing anything in your relationship to break her trust? Don’t answer it to anybody but yourself.If yes, stop it immediately.Women have intuition far advance than any man can fathom and if your girlfriend has doubts, they might have reasons behind it.If not, you need to talk to her asap.

Secondly,changes are always hard and scary esp for the person who is in still a constant state.In your case, your girlfriend fears that you might change with time and situation.I understand it is hard is for you to settle down, find new friends and carve a niche but it is equally tough for her as you have left her behind.You are busy adapting while she is busy coping.It is always  a little tougher in terms of security for the person who stays behind than the person moving in a long distance relationship at least in the beginning.

After you understand this, you need to talk to her and make her open up her insecurities and fears to you.Listen patiently and don’t get angry.Ask what worries her and assure her that you will work together with her to build the foundation of trust.Communication is key in any long distance relationship.That is the only thing you have to make the other person feel closer to you.The moment you find it hard to communicate, your relationship will start having issues.[pullquote]The moment you find it hard to communicate, your relationship will start having issues[/pullquote]Talk as openly as you can.Make her understand how important it is for you to build a friend circle there and hence you need to go out and mingle.Ask her how she would handle the situation if she was in your shoes.You will get perspective when she answers that.

Another factor you need to understand is the aspect of social media.Social media can cause a lot of problems in relationships.If your gf knows something before you tell her , it can be misconstrued , be it in terms of photo tags, friend requests or anything else. There is not point hiding it,untagging or unfriending people.Anything that you need to hide might indicate that it is wrong.Hence it is best to let her know about your plans and outings in advance and who might be there.In any healthy relationship, this step should be effortless but in the beginning it will take a conscious effort. Make it a habit to over-communicate.You will soon notice that your partner will start trusting you more and stop asking you too many questions eventually.People fear the unknown.Once your partner knows almost everything, she will stop fearing.

What also might help is to message or call her at regular intervals during your night outs .This might seem bothersome and you might ask why you have to do this.But again they key is to over-communicate.It will show your partner that you have nothing to hide and will help you to build security in your relationship.Once your foundation is built, you won’t have to do this often.But this is a crucial step in the first year of any long distance relationships.

This is a two way street.As much as your try to accommodate her needs, she needs to do the same.She also needs to understand that it is tough for you to build a life there away from family and friends and hence support you in this journey.Thus it is important that you talk constantly about such issues to ensure there are no communication gaps or wrong expectations.Such conversations are awkward and uncomfortable but you need it.

So remember the key to long distance relationships are –

1.Over – communicate and update each other regularly

2.Talk frequently and ensure there are no communication gaps

3.Pay special attention to each others needs and emotions ,esp of their fears

Communication is all you have to make each other feel closer in your distant relationship  so make full use of social media to feel closer.Skype, whatsapp, Facebook as much as you can to feel intimate.Use the luxuries of the net that our past generation did not have.Most importantly in any difficult situation remember why you love each other and work with each other , not against.[pullquote]Most importantly in any difficult situation remember why you love each other and work with each other , not against.[/pullquote]

x

The Crispy Corner

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Also read our article on Should your give your partner your password